I had a bike as a kid I think to myself, how hard can this be?
I am staring down at the hot pink mini two wheeler as the chain is dangling off something important (the hub maybe or is that a shaft?) I confidently walk to the tool box and find the right wrench. I then proceed to try taking the training wheels off to fix the chain and put it back together. Apparently this DIY is beyond the intellectual capacity and the analytical skills of this particular college graduate, because after reassembling it for the eighth time without success I FINALLY give up.
"You'll have to wait for Grandpa," I tell her, but she is not amused.
"Why can't you fix it? she asks me.
"I'm really not sure" I tell her, wondering why if I managed to learned to read, write and do math this should be so difficult..obviously I have a screw loose, a bolt wrong or something...
As I am climbing up onto the lawn mower I try to remember which lever, button, or gear to pull first. If I can drive a car, I should be able to drive the lawnmower right? After about twenty minutes of randomized sequences of various gear, button, and lever pushing I start it, and realize I am not sure what I did to engage the motor. Driving out of the garage I almost take out the van, but manage to make the turn. Moving around the grass gives the neighbors free entertainment as I lurch around in the grass trying to drive. Like a student trying out the pedals in the driver's ed car I lurch, stop, squeak, and grind my way around the lawn trying not to get whiplash and maintain at least a little dignity. In between driving I try to make swipes at the grass, but instead of neat rows our lawn is covered with serpentines and funny lines with trianglular patches in between that are missing. I manage to re-mow most of them, but there are large patches next to the house and fence because I figure long grass is cheaper than replacing broken bricks or cracked vinyl if I get too close (is that the brake?)
Running the Weed-wacker reveals new food for thought about my shoulders and arm width. For once in my life my long arms are too short to reach something, the two handles. Eight years of hoisting babies and toddler doesn't help much either since I have to hoist it onto my hip to lift it off the ground. Can I use a baby sling with this thing I wonder, but conclude that could possibly be dangerous. I opt to keep going since it is already up and running. While trying to move along the corner of the house I discover the unknown danger of getting close to the Internet cable as it grabs the cable and begins looping around the Weed-wacker like a swinging jump-rope. I frantically hop around on the grass screaming as I try to unwind the Weed-wacker and jerk the cable free without cutting it. I have to turn it off and spend the next several minutes allowing my heartrate to return to normal. I look cautiously around wondering if anyone has seen the cable and I playing jump-rope. Later as I move around the house I either cut the grass in a crooked wave or manage to drop the end annihilating the grass to show bare dirt. After waiting two summers to for the grass to fill in, I have my doubts about how much my efforts at "edging" are helping the lawn.
Yes, I really didn't know how little I really knew about bikes, lawnmowers and Weed-wackers...until now.
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